I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
