Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
