Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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