ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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