Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
