Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this will be a night to untag.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
