When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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