I was born with a shot glass in my hand
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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