Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
