Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
