Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
