I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
