how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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