So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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