if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You brought string cheese to the strip club
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Congratulations! We have a period
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