I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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