oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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