when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
