you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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