im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
