i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
