So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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