I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Redeem this text for a blowjob
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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