I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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