Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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