I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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