Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
