You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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