oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
