The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
