Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
