What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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