I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
