I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
