Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
50% drunk capacity currently
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
