Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
