He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
