Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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