Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
