just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
