So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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