1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
