My liver just broke up with me...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
