The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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