Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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