i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
