Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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