Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
