If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
