onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
